The Only Exception

"And I've always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I've sworn to myself
that I'm content with loneliness.

Because none of it was ever worth the risk."

~Paramore

So I have to state that I haven’t been completely honest here. For the most part this blog has been about the fun things I’ve been doing and even though I’m having problems in my every day life, I’ve tried to maintain a genki attitude towards the whole experience thus far. However, as of recently (the past week or so), I’ve felt really defeated mentally. There has only been one person who has invited me out to do anything and I feel like I botched that friendship this past Friday.

For those that know me well, you know that I don’t drink. I haven’t had alcohol since I was 15 when I decided to go straight edge. There have been numerous times and places where people have tried to convince me that I should drink, but I’ve never felt comfortable relying on a substance to make me feel better. On Friday I broke edge on accident. I was asked to go hang out with a group of ALTs at a bar that night. I ordered the La France drink, but didn’t know that there was a soft drink and alcoholic version with the same name. They gave me the alcoholic version. I took one drink and had a feeling there was alcohol in it. I was so tired that I didn’t even think about spitting it out. I handed it over to someone else and they confirmed it was the alcoholic version. I felt completely demoralized. After 8 years this is how I broke edge… on accident? I figured one day I would just go crazy due to my own convictions and start chain smoking and become a raging alcoholic… not this.

I still feel like shit about that night, which ended awkwardly with myself sort of getting ditched. I think I will always feel shitty about that night, but it made me realize something really important about myself. I realized that I have an almost endless supply of barriers I use to guard myself against people. I honestly don’t know how my friends from Ringling managed to get through those barriers, but it made me think of a lot of things. A lot of people feel like they need to know why I make the decisions I do: why I don’t drink, smoke, etc. Why I turn to art and music to control my actions to maintain some sort of mental stability. If I don’t absolve some of these barriers then I’m going to end up alone, like I am now… but at the same time… I have a lot of baggage. I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I’m beginning here by writing this journal entry, as vague as it may seem.

I have a lot of growing to do.